I’m moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
‘Till the day I learn you’re No Good for me

~ No Good, Kate Voegele

How often does this happen where you fall too hard, too fast for a guy? It’s like when actresses say they fall in love with their co-stars a little. It may take a second to blink and realize that the relationship wasn’t everything you thought it was. It’s a painful reality, but you live and you learn.

I fall in love every 2 weeks. Then I get over it and move on, but those two weeks I am on cloud 9 for the world to see. It’s the best high in the world, and an equally crushing low, but where would we be without it? On an episode of Sex and the City, Charlotte once said that you get two great loves in your life. So much for her theory because I have been in love probably 100 times in the last 25 years. Who says that falling in love has to last forever? Seeing a pattern in my relationships, it just shows me that the shelf life of my love is 14 days. Sorry pal. I don’t like saying it, and I wish it wasn’t this way, but the last year has made it impossible for you to keep my attention any longer.

I learned yesterday was that I am on my way to recovery. Drug addicts usually have several relapses before they can recover completely from a drug problem, and with that, what does “completely” mean anyway? My relationship history over the last year is like a 12 step program for love. With every new relationship, I get closer and closer to who I want to be and who I need to be for me to feel whole again.  I learn with every new guy what I want and what I can give in a relationship. I think that is huge. It gives you more of a realistic sense, and then you can’t stay involved in a relationship that isn’t right for you.

This last one was huge progress. My normal M.O. has been to be feisty as hell when meeting a new guy simply because it’s my wall and how I protect myself. With every new guy, the wall gets just a little bit easier to get through. Two weeks ago- breakthrough. I met a great guy. Within hours, I had let him in. I also told him several times that I wasn’t the girl to be with and that I can’t be trusted. He knew it was the wall and me trying to push him away. He didn’t buy it. Circumstances will keep us from being together, and that’s fine. When we ended things yesterday he caught me saying something I haven’t said in a year; “I trust you.” He caught it before I did, and he even said that I couldn’t be who I told him I was a year ago simply because he didn’t see it. It took a year, but I am on my way back to being me. As much as I don’t want to see this person out of my life, I needed it to see that I will be ok.

Everyone is a learning experience. I swear by this. I moved to Chicago so I could be near an old boyfriend. A week after I moved here, we broke up. My roommate at the time told me that I needed him to get me here so I could live my life. She was right. It’s all how you look at things. I could be furious right now. I am hurt, I won’t deny that, but I do know that I will be ok, and that alone will help me deal with this and whatever comes next.